Exiled From Here and There – Excerpts
Translated by Peter Bush
to the issue 8 page
THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL
Yes, I’m crazy about apples! I’ll do anything to get my teeth in to one! What more can I say? That’s what I’m like, impulsive and irrational, and whenever I see a tree laden with tasty fruit, I make a beeline that way and devour the fruit, oblivious to the consequences. My ex-partner whined: the master forbids this, disobey him and fuck goes our eternal happiness! The idiot little realized this by-product of his own rib was to be the implacable scourge of humanity down the centuries. He followed the whimsical teachings from on high like a mule, convinced he’d live forever, never noticing that every Tom, Dick, and Harry here below dies and that’s an end to their woes. But I knew the score the moment I put my head above the parapet and kept blasting him with my arguments. Can’t you see that what’s corruptible in part is so in its entirety? What begins must end, and if you don’t believe me, go ask your maker, even if it’s Sunday and he’s having a kip. What the hell did you used to do, ask him, before you created this theme park of a universe where my lover-boy and I stroll? Were you bored to tears, with your head in the clouds? But the little fool from whom I was extracted was on his knees begging: no, no, he’ll take revenge on us and we’ll be hounded from paradise! What paradise are you on, nitwit? The meadow where we graze like sheep? Bite that apple now or I’ll stop shagging with you and will take off with the first skeptical beast to come my way! The would-be macho whimpered like a lapdog, stunned by my tenacious, feminine caprice. And caved in, naturally he did! He shared the apple with yours truly and, aroused by its sour juices, and a little help on the side from the Viagra I purchased from a chemist’s and got him to swallow blind before tasting the fruit, we ran through every coital position illustrated in the Kama Sutra. They go on and on about my condemning trillions of beings to death, but what do I care?